I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
