It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
