atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
