Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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