hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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