i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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