We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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