God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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