it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
