Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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