I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
