Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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