Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
