a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
