Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
