my vag is so smooth its legendary
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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