So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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