Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
you never un-have a 4some
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
