Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
