do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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