The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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