Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
