So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
