the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
