I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
