Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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