the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
