Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
