if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
