guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
