Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
