I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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