he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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