Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
