My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
