fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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