she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
