There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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