ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize