sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
