woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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