I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
