Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
