I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize