so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
