remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
