I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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