I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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