I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
