OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
