The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
