He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This toilet bowl is my home.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize