I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
