i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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