I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
