my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
