you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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