this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize