what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
