checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
