So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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