Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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