My sheets look like a crime scene.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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